Alien Brain Disease in Texas

Kingsville, Kleberg County Texas, 1997:

A local man, Leonso Canales Jr. has succesfully lobbied the Kleberg County commissioners to replace the word "Hello". From now on the official court house greeting will be (I shit you not) "Heaveno".

That's right...in Kleberg County your ears will no longer be incidentally assailed by that other evil, vicious H word in the course of a common greeting.

I can only assume that other options such as "Good Morning" (Afternoon or whatever", "Hi" and the official Texas greeting of "Howdy", were all considered and discarded as equally offensive as hello; thus requiring a new word to be carefully hand-crafted from scarce, non-renewable resources.

At this point you're thinking I'm looking at something from The Onion. But we're not so lucky...

'Heaveno' has received one heck of a response pall

Since the original adoption of "Heaveno" it seems that Kingsville and Kleberg County have forgotten their original commitment to language reform. In fact so many people have been pointing fingers and laughing that every member who approved the resolution has since probably crawled behind some convenient dumpster and drowned their sorrows in Wild Irish Rose or Mad Dog.

But the "Heaveno" people are still hard at it...working to clean up your filthy language.

We are so pwned.

That's it for the U.S. of A. folks; we can no longer show our faces in public. Iranian TV has lampooned the leaders of the West in satire so scathing that words fail.

I mean that...

There aren't words...

None at all...

Here...go see for yourself:

13 Dead End Street

Or if your dignity can't stand the full horror of this bitch-slapping then you can read the Transcripts.

While you're at it, give the MEMRI (Middle East Media Research Institute) website a good checking out. Find out what's really going on in the Muslim world.

Now, let's all go back to feeling the stinging shame of islam-o-fascist satire.

Happy Birthday Bill Nye! And Thanks, Mr. Wizard!

I grew up with Mr. Wizard (Don Herbert). For all you younglings out there in cyberspace, Mr. Wizard was a guy who'd show up on the TV set and teach kids wonderful tricks while imparting a little bit of science education. Now this is back before educational TV existed, so us kids watched Mr. Wizard for sheer entertainment little realizing that we were being educated.

Mr. Wizard's show aired on WMAQ television (Chicago) in 1951. The heady days of atomic-science, space exploration and general gee-whizz technology advancement created a veritable boom of popularity and interest in science. Mr. Wizard helped us learn that science is magic that works and that we can all understand.

Nowadays it seems there's a resurgence in the other kind of magic...you know, the kind that doesn't work and requires a full-time effort just to think up excuses for why it doesn't work...but fear not; there is some sanity left in the world and still some mighty oomph left over from the days when massive Saturn V rockets hurled men to the moon. Science is not dead...it's not even resting.

Today the lucky kids (and lucky adults) have Bill Nye The Science Guy to carry the torch of popular science in a world that seems increasingly hostile to hard science. Bill Nye is fifty-one years old today, please join me in wishing him a Happy Birthday and hoping he's not yet reached his half-life.

Please visit Mr. Wizard's and Bill Nye's websites for all sorts of fun science. If you learn something new, be sure to tell them thanks!

Why hast thou forsaken me?

Well if you keep up with the Evolution-vs-Creation debate the way I do you might have heard that Dr. Kent Hovind(degree purchased through Patriot Bible University) is in jail awaiting sentencing for felony tax evasion. Now Kent has used his bullshit degree for years to spread the word of God; lying about evolution, science, the Bible, dinosaurs, mankind, the universe and Jesus Christ. Hovind runs a creationist theme-park (Dinosaur Adventure Land) and whores his pimply ass out for speaking engagements. In his eyes the resulting filthy lucre is a holy thing of God not to be rendered unto Caesar.

Dr. Dino (as he calls himself) was convicted on twelve counts of willful failure to collect, account for and pay federal income and FICA taxes, forty-five counts of knowingly structuring transactions to avoid federal reporting requirements and one count of corruptly impeding the administration of internal revenue laws. Hovind has essentially structured his defense around "You can't tax me, I work for God".

Anyway, in between fulfilling his duties to Bubba and his other cellmates, Hovind has been keeping his blog updated with the list of reasons why God allowed him to be convicted. I thought I would share it with everyone so that we can humbly entreat God not to test us as he has this poor piece of rat-shit:

Why Did God Allow This? Maybe God wants me…….

1. To receive punishment for my sin.
2. To use me in an area in the jail that needed salt. (Matt. 5:13)
3. To let me be prepared for a new phase of ministry and this is boot camp.
4. To be humbled by God.
5. To allow God to see how fellow Christians react. He is gathering evidence for their day of reckoning. The same is true for me.
6. To give me time off to reflect, refresh, recharge, and renew my Bible study and prayer time.
7. To let me see the anguish my grandkids, who love me dearly, are going through, so that I would be more compassionate with kids to whom I preach, or that are visiting DAL, whom have similar experiences with jailed loved ones.
8. To show me how much can be done with so little. These men can make all sorts of things like water heaters from toothbrushes, and tattoo guns from ink pens. Most Christians are wasteful of God’s resources.
9. To give me a better appreciation for our veterans who slept in swamps and other squalid conditions for my freedom. I will hug POW’s from now on.
10. To gain me a renewed appreciation for missionaries who leave family and comforts to spread God’s word.
11. To bring my thought, prayers, and concerns into action by inspiring me to visit those in the hospitals who never get visitors.
12. To let me see first hand and up close, the results of sin in a man’s life.
13. To let me see men pace back and forth like caged lions. Truly the wicked are like the troubled sea that cannot rest.
14. To let me see my God’s law, which is perfect, converting the soul, authorizes: beatings, four times restitution, and execution for crimes, but never imprisonment. Certainly there are Roman and Egyptian prisons, but none authorized by God. This system costs everyone in many ways, and does little good and much harm.
15. To give me a taste of what awaits in the tribulation. The “state” control in that time will be overpowering.
16. To allow me to experience the joy of holding hands in a prayer circle with nine men on fire for Jesus while facing severe sentences.
17. To make me order my priorities better. I cannot ever let my family fail, while I build a ministry.
18. To make me more like Jesus, the man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

I hear they'll be replacing the Book of Job with the Book of Hovind in the next edition. Maybe they'll also straighten out that Genesis misunderstanding while they're at it and let us all get back to work.

I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted.

It seems I've been running into Dwight Schultz (pictured as Captain H. M. "Howling Mad" Murdock from the A-Team) alot this week. It started with a clip from an A-Team episode, then I happened to notice his name turning up in the "Additional Voices" credits of damn near every video game I own. Last night I sat down to eat ice cream with Chris in front of the TV and we flipped on Star Trek TNG and there he was again as Lieutenant Reginald Barclay III.

So today on my early morning browse I happen to notice it's Dwight's Birthday. Dwight is 59 years old today and still working hard. Look for him in a cameo in the upcoming A-Team movie due to be released in 2008. Happy Birthday Dwight. Now get the fuck out of my head.

The bastards can't even play soccer without cheating...

Zurich, 23 November 2006 - The FIFA Emergency Committee, composed of the FIFA President and one representative of each of the six confederations, yesterday (22 November 2006) decided to suspend the Islamic Republic of Iran Football Federation (IRIFF) from all international activity due to government interference in football matters and violation of Article 17 of the FIFA Statutes.

FIFA suspends Iran Football Federation

Article 17 Bodies
1 A Member’s bodies shall be either elected or appointed in that Association. A Member’s statutes shall provide for a procedure that guarantees the complete independence of the election or appointment.
2 Any Member’s bodies that have not been elected or appointed compliance with the provisions of par. 1, even on an interim basis, shall not be recognised by FIFA.
3 Decisions passed by bodies that have not been elected or appointed in compliance with par. 1 shall not be recognised by FIFA.

FIFA Statutes

Now folks who know me will wonder why I care...after all I pretty much see all team sports as little more than millionaire mutants chasing a ball...and frankly I don't care. It's just a tidbit of information I found that would normally get ignored in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Opinion Poll since we don't watch enough soccer over here to make it worthwhile for the news-whores to pay attention to it.


It's just another sign that Iran is a fucked-up country that needs to be bitch-slapped. Iceberg Slim would have never taken the kind of shit Iran's been puttin' out

Not Forgotten

On October 28th 1916 Oswald Boelcke was killed in an accidental collision with an airplane from his own squadron while engaged in combat operations against Number 24 Squadron RFC. Oswald Boelcke is perhaps the most influential combat pilot to have lived. Not only an ace with 40 aerial victories to his credit, Boelcke was a gifted leader and tactician single handedly developing the foundations of air to air combat.

Boelcke served alongside and mentored the greatest of Germany's pilots. Along with Max Immelman, Boelcke received the first Orders Pour le Merite (The Blue Max, Imperial Germany's highest medal) awarded for victory in air-combat. Boelcke was promoted to lead a new fighter squadron, Jagdstaffel 2, in the reorganized Imperial German Air Service where he would mentor and train pilots like Hans Reimann, Werner Voss and, of course, Manfred von Richthofen.

The rules laid down by Boelcke are still learned by pilots to this day. In memory of a courageous, chivalrous and wise enemy I offer his words of advice...

Dicta Boelcke

1. Try to secure advantages before attacking. If possible keep the sun behind you.

2. Always carry through an attack when you have started it.

3. Fire only at close range and only when your opponent is properly in your sights.

4. Always keep your eye on your opponent, and never let yourself be deceived by ruses.

5. In any form of attack it is essential to assail your opponent from behind.

6. If your opponent dives on you, do not try to evade his onslaught, but fly to meet it.

7. When over the enemy's lines never forget your own line of retreat.

8. For the Staffel: Attack on principle in groups of four or six. When the fight breaks up into a series of single combats, take care that several do not go for one opponent.

Mushrooms Over Mecca

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